someone find a priest.

"uht oh" I said to myself as I crossed the avenue, skies clouded with only part of what you'll find in a cigarette. I patted my abdomen almost as if I had lost my keys or wallet or some other item of value. "fuck."

what was I do to do? no. no! this is not an excuse to pick up a suitable, though be it evil replacement - a cigarette.

i ignored my body's plea to return north and restore this meek effervescent of a patch. i entered work and ignored my job too.

suddenly the day spiraled out of control. my attention span was non-existent. as I accused one creative director of being an asshole for not getting me a diet pepsi as well - though he had no idea that I wanted one, and no reason to buy me one.

that was only after I firmly told an admin that he was stupid. granted I was kidding, but only today would people question my level of sarcasm or hate.

shortly after lunch, a co-worker approached me to say something that I promptly disregarded. I looked him up and down. "I appreciate your blazer over the tee-shirt look."

"Thanks" he said, smiling, thrilled at a compliment from someone as blatantly cool as myself.

"Did banana republic have a clearance sale?" I responded.

He stared at me from under his ball cap. "Fuck you." He chased me down the hallway for a small spell, myself giggling like a school girl only to disguise my fear of a dude plenty bigger than me, though not known to be of the violent type.

Still, earlier I tried playing a set of mind games with a friend only to discover that I had no idea as to what the point of those games were or how to win them, or that I was even playing them.

Later, I wrote to a friend, in a shortened version "we should reconnect. I miss you." in the queerest of ways on the queerest of places - through myspace messaging.

and while the day has gone way without shakes, anxiety, or losing my job, let me leave you with this: don't ever fucking tell me it's not that hard to quit smoking or I will pull your stomach through your throat and stuff it with cabbage before shoving it up your ass.

right now, that patch is my best friend.

and I hate you.